This is going to be a lot of ramblings as my mind is just a mess and can't seem to grasp all this pain. I have never felt so weak, so "un tough" in my life. Somethings gotta give and soon.
Tuesday while shopping for the First Day of Winter Half/Full/50K that I am hosting on December 21st with my mom the pain was so bad I was just trying to lean into the shopping cart to get the pressure off whatever is pinching whichever nerve that is being pinched and would just break into tears. I am at a loss? I hate to wake up because I know as soon as I step out of the bed the numbness in the toes and the right side of my anterior side of my leg will be pins and needles and my lower hip/glute area will be unbearable pain for the next 6 or so hours until I have enough pain meds in me to finally take a little of the edge off.
Today's appointment was to do EMG's to make sure there is no permanent nerve damage- I asked if any of this could be related to the tarsel tunnel that was diagnosed in 2011 and he said that nerve issue run down not up so my hopes of that were shot down. The tarsel tunnel is still there and has not advanced (even though the doctors wanted to do surgery on that years ago I refused because it is only a 50% chance of fixing the issue with 3 months in a cast and boot) I do not feel the kind of pain like I use to from the tarsel tunnel but the kind of pain and pins and needles I face and have been facing for quite sometime is something I have never experienced and do not wish it upon anyone. We did find during the EMG's that there is no permanent nerve damage that shows up so that is something that I will take as a positive.
After the EMGs we discussed what can we try next? He seems to feel this is a back issue and not a hip issue even though there is stuff wrong with both parts as reported on the MRI's but he explained a hip issues will not lead to the pins and needles that I have felt for 24/7 for the past 8 plus weeks now or the pain that is beyond words that I feel in my hip and glute. We have tried a shot in the sciatica....did nothing.....two weeks later we tried a shot into the SI joint.....again nothing. So discussing what's next aside from there is nothing else he can try we chose to try an injection into the L4. Injections are done on Wednesdays and we leave next Wednesday for Hawaii where I will finish my achievement of running a marathon/ultra in all 50 states!! So the injection will have to be for the Wednesday I return. My biggest worry is how in the world am I going to function while I am not running and enjoy my time with my son. The pain pills don't take the edge off until I have had 2-3 during the day and I can get into a position on the couch and the pain level drops to where I don't wanna cry. The worse part about pain like this is it can be so easy to get addicted to pain killers due to the unbearable pain that is felt and people take and take the pain pills just to get a smidge of relief. We did decide to jump up to a stronger medication to have with me in Hawaii but I try to not take anything until I am into tears....which lately has not been often. He also feels the tear that is next to the L4 where the spinal stenosis is is most likely the culprit....he knows how I feel about surgery and it scares the hell out of me. I don't have time to be down for back surgery! I don't want someone cutting on my back and my spine! What if they slip and I get paralyzed? So many thoughts but also what are the odds of it working.....I want 90 percent or above but don't think I will even get that. So far I have tried to just brush off that option and the look I got today about what is the next step I could tell that a referral to a surgeon was probably next if the L4 injection gives no relief. So when I asked what is next and that I really can't imagine surgery on my back and I got the look I said I pretty much have to learn to live with it? There is no way I can live with this pain so I pray and pray that the L4 injection will help on December 17th!!! If it doesn't I guess I will have to consider what to do next.
I know I have said over and over that I want to take off 15 ish pounds that I have put on in the past 2 years-I get depressed with all that's going on and then eat crap and then feel worse for doing it. I also justify that I am healthy because who can go run a marathon every Saturday and Sunday and not be fit...which is true but I also feel better in my other clothes...I feel better when my shirts fit a little different. I then justify that I am still 85 pounds lighter then I was in 2002...but now I have to tell myself - Before surgery is even an option you MUST try to take off 15 pounds and see if it relieves any of the pressure that is on whatever nerve that is causing so much pain. The doctor does not see an issue with my weight and did not recommend that I need to lose weight but when I gave him my thoughts and analogy of weight on a nerve etc I then asked if he thought it would relieve any pressure and he said it is possible - anything's possible...so I think I really need to try this as an option as well....and if I tell myself doing so could lighten up the pain a bit it is worth the try!!
The reality is nothing can fix what is wrong with my body but we just need to find something to take the pain away. I do not have an injury that can be fixed. I have degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis, arthritis and conditions that can not be reversed. What we are looking for is what is causing the pinched nerve that is keeping my foot,calf and outer anterior area numb.....what can help relieve the pain that causes tears multiple times a day in my hip, back and glute area. What can allow me to get into my car without having to crawl into it. How can I lift my leg without tears to put on my shoes and socks.