This is very hard for me to write because I am typically such a positive person that can motivate others so easily, but I have found myself in a funk and I am having an extremely hard time pulling out of it.
Im not sure how or when it began but it has been going on now for way too long. I gained weight before my spinal fusion and during recovery and just haven't been disciplined or motivated enough to take it off. I get super mad at myself because there are clothes that I want to fit in and just don't. I know weight does not define someone and I know I am in great shape but I do feel best about myself when I am a little thinner. I also know that in order for me to get thinner and stay thinner that my calorie intake must stay super low even with all the exercise and calorie burn I have. It never has made sense to me that I can burn so many calories yet if I eat over 1400 a day then I either gain weight or stay the same. In the past I have found myself going to extremes to get rid of the calories that I put into my body and that essentially will only lead to more health issues down the road so I have to watch myself and be sure to keep myself from those impulses. I really believe most of the population men and women have some sort of eating disorder. Whether is it overeating, to not eating to binging and purging most of us have one or are fighting one. I find it sad that society as a whole has taught us that our bodies and looks is who we are - sure we may say that we don't fall into that category but I would be willing to guess that very few of the population wake up and look into the mirror and honestly say to themselves "I love you...you are perfect just the way you are" We compare ourselves to other physical traits where if we want to even compare ourselves to others we should be comparing ourselves to those that are compassionate to others, giving to others, and loving to others and want to be more like them rather then have a body figure of Jennifer Anniston or Channing Tatum.
Currently my funk is not only weight and food related but fitness related. I moved at the end of the year to Southern Utah and the summer is super hot....whoever says at least it's dry heat has no clue. When you step outside in the heat of the day it actually feels like you have stepped into a wood fire pizza over.....your eyes burn and your body feels on fire! Granted I could get up and head out the door at 5am and go for a run or a hike and not be in the major heat but I am not an early morning person unless I am getting up at an event. Work has me working most days from 2-10ish which I prefer because then I would have the mornings to bike, hike or run but with my lack of motivation I don't do it! I miss going to events every weekend or 2 out of 4 weekends a month like I did for a couple years but some sacrifices had to be made in order for me to move to this amazing place! The dog kenneling expenses are 5 times what I would pay in Portsmouth so that makes traveling hard, I sold my business and am currently working at a park for shit wages but I did want something to keep me busy some of the days...I will be leaving there right after Labor Day as I agreed to help them through their last super busy weekend. No room for any growth there and for roughly $60 a day there is so much more I would rather be doing with my time and energy and can pinch pennies a little more and travel less to make things work. All I need is a roof over my head and food for my body.
I think some of it is burn out and some of it is that I don't think I need to train to do an event. I look back and think - damn in 2015 you could barely stand up due to your back. I finished 2014 with my 50th State marathon/ultra finish did the New Years Double Double, paced Mississippi Blues January 10th then ran First Light Marathon January 11th. When I got back from the Blues/First Light Double I had one more test on my spine and after that test I was unable to stand up at all for more then 30 seconds at a time without crying! My first surgery was at the end of Feb and it took the pain away for 6 weeks. We then knew I would have to have a 3 level spinal fusion....I was able to hike after the first surgery leading up to the fusion in June of 2014 but no running and actually my depression had gotten a little better. I was depressed thinking that I would be 1-2 years without running but I was also hopeful that I would be out of pain. I had the fusion in June of 2014 and even though that first week of recovery was like nothing I have even been through and I didnt see light at the end of the tunnel I was determined to come back! The doc said walking was the best thing for recovery and that I did...I walked and walked and walked and took breaks in between and was walking so much before you knew it. The doc said he knew I would recovery well and to just listen to my body and if it hurt don't do it. 3 months post spinal fusion I was doing a super hilly 20K called The Indian Run. Who does that shit?? I took it slow and easy but still how was I running/hiking a 20K technical trail just 3 months after a spinal fusion. The following week was the Adams County Marathon.....being a 2 loop course I thought well I will do one loop and see how I feel and if I feel good I'll do another. My friend Heather said she would hang with me for whatever distance I decided to do. I felt really good after loop one and seeing some friends from out of town that I hadn't seen all year and being around the atmosphere of an actual event just made me feel like I was back! Granted my time was a little over 6 hours but this course is a pretty hilly up and down course so I was pleasantly pleased, plus this was only like 16 weeks after major spine surgery and 37 or so weeks since I had ran a marathon and really ran any kind of distance. I think doing these 2 events so soon afterwards and considering the NO training at all and feeling really good after totally has messed up my mindset.
I continued running events and ran a total of 5 half marathons and one I felt so good I ran it in 2:20 almost 4 months to the date of the spinal fusion. Granted thats not fast for some but a 2:20 not running much at all for 9 months and 2 spine surgeries leading up to it freaking blew me away! From October to June of this year I really still couldn't get into training because now I totally have that mindset that I am fucking super woman or something and training is totally over rated. I continued to run events and completed the 1 20K 4 half marathons 11 marathons 1 50K 1 56 miles and 1 100K.....but I haven't ran since the Bear Lake Trifecta in June. These were all completed from August 2015 (3 months post fusion to June 2016) These numbers are super low in comparison to what I did in 2013 and 2014 but I could go a month or so without running a lick and head out to a marathon or 50K or more and just do it and feel totally fine afterwards! I have done some hiking and have really been busy trying to get my new house built and moved into - so this on top has helped create more great excuses in my mind.
Each afternoon and evening I go to bed with the intention that I will wake up early and go for a run...even if it is only 2-4 miles I tell myself that is better then nothing. On the average when 6 out of the 7 mornings roll around my mind reminds my body that look what all you have done...you don't need to go out this morning....get some extra rest and you have to work till 10 or 10:30 tonight anyways you may as well finish getting things done at the new house. The good news on that I did manage to get my house completely unpacked and really organized within the first couple days of moving in! So now I don't really have that excuse any longer.
I need some goals, I need to dream again and I just don't know where to begin. I want them to be fitness related. Some have said after finishing their 50th state they felt like they had reached a huge accomplishment and got depressed because what would be next.....I was told this would happen after my first Ironman Triathlon.....well it didnt as I did 3 Ironman's and actually they were my very first marathons as well. I did however get bored with triathlons after completely 3 ironman and thats when I decided I wanted to do an ultra. My goal of the 50 states never was a goal as when I thought about it I thought there is no damn way....maybe I will do a half in all 50 states. That changed quickly after I finished my first 50 miler and of course I needed more so I had to try a 100miler! In training for that I found it easier to sign up for events, whether it was a single marathon on a weekend or one on a Sat and one on a Sun....this kept my training in check and I couldn't convince myself that I had some laundry to do or I needed to clean the house since I was too far away to come home to do it.
I did set a goal to complete 100 marathons/ultras as I was leading up to my 50th State and things were actually set to be completed by May of 2015.....my spine issues put that on the back burner and I did choose to skip a couple events and repeated states because Hawaii for state 50 was the most important. On Thursday June 9th in Wyoming I finished my 100th marathon/ultra at the Bear Lake Trifecta. I did 101 the next day and decided to do the half on day 3. Ever since this I have not been on a run longer then 3 miles and have done limited hiking, mostly due to the heat and work but I still can't get my mindset back.
I need to as I managed to get registered for one of the most exclusive events in the west called Canyon De Chelly which will take place October 8th. I do have a marathon and half in Sept and a marathon the week before Canyon De Chelly but I have to figure out how to convince my head that I must get out and train for this event.
Not only do I need to convince myself that it needs to train, it needs to convince itself that enough is a enough. Stop eating the cookie dough the ice cream the pizza the amazing corn chips from Lins with mango salsa and all this crap food that taste so yummy but afterwards when you look in the mirror you ask yourself why the hell are you doing this!? The easiest part is taking the weight off once you set your mind to it but the hardest part is keeping it off. I still sometimes find myself comparing the current me to the me from 2002 and rationalize where I am now is still a huge jump in a positive healthy lifestyle but I also know I am more confident even for a person that lacks self esteem confidence on every level when I am about 20 pounds thinner.